Annual rejection

Every year the same….
Yet again I’m feeling let down, rejected, criticised, useless, overlooked, unappreciated and victimised by my boss. The one who I once held in such high esteem. She does take out her stresses on her staff, but it seems too personal. It must be my bpd, cos its such a recurring pattern following a hypomanic episode,   yet again I’m thinking about not being here. I’m about to slide. But I can’t live like this. I can’t keep having months off work. I know my mat leave masked some of this pattern, but signs are/were there.  How do I go on, I need a wage.
I’m exhausted of it all.

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Laughter

Laughter is by far the greatest medicine.  I feel rather hyper. Have done for a while. But I LIKE IT!!!! I feel like ME. I am invincible at the moment. Let’s hope it stays that way, I mean why not. I like silly. I like singing. I feel great. Live love and laugh. I feel radiant like a shining positive beacon of sarahness.

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My stuff

Don’t mess with my process, work, papers. Never do something without asking my opinion first. I get upset and then angry.  I have trouble understanding what I’ve done wrong when someone interferes with my work no matter how good their intentions.  I need my routine and process. I don’t like feeling undervalued and this makes me feel as if I’ve done something terribly wrong. I cannot let go. I won’t sleep and you will suddenly become my enemy.  It is the  bpd thinking and I have trouble controlling it. So please avoid
these triggers. I want to love and be loved.  Right now I feel persecuted just because you changed my spreadsheet.

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Breakfast

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March 9, 2014 · 12:32 AM

growing up ( and down)

The scared child who hid away and detached herself from her memories has grown into a highly emotional, tormented adult who lives in a world of constant paranoia with the odd mis-timed explosive burst of elation and euphoria that give me the desire to carry on with this life, yet cause me shame and constant conflict. I want to be up,up and away! But that never lasts more than a few days sometimes hours or minutes before I crash and burn. Existing is exhausting.

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update

So I’ve been up and down. I freaked out but phoned work anyway. Now I’m on Lamotrigine. That’s all I can be bothered to say. Meh.

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30-11-13

I’m sat waiting in Costa while my car gets fixed. I’m ne pas les enfants and I’ve seen Amelia at work for a chat, I’ve texted Gwen and Jo. Thinking of texting others too. I’m wondering if I should or even am able to come out of my hibernation and see my friends again. Will I ever be ready? All I know is that despite the huge effort it feels for me to socialise, I do feel happy after I’ve seen my friends and I’ve missed them. I just don’t want to burst into tears on them all. I’m not sure if I should or could explain my bpd to them. I want them to know why I’m not always available, but I don’t want to alienate them. Ho hum.

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