Still no letter re outcome of my appt with Dr Raj ( I do like saying Dr Rajjed – amuses me) that took place at the end of Feb. Stupid NHS. Just thought I’d mention it… I felt stupid when last night I was asked if I was seeing any other HC profs or had any referrals or treatments and all I could answer was ‘not as far as I knew’…….
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I am feeling in quite a good place, hmm 73% that’s where I like to be. Positive but not ott.
Went out to the shops, closed a bank account that was causing grief, saw Mel, had a coffee, spoke to new work, went to the park, got free disney dvd’s on order, cleaned the house a bit.
Nothing out of the ordinary to make me feel better…
Its been about five days I think, since I stopped the evil meds. I’m going to try fish oils and b vits. However I have had to resort to otc sleeping tabs to try and grab a few winks.
Oh, last night I had my initial ‘setting the scene, meet and greet, what avenue is best?’ Talk with AVC. So that’s a positive too. Oh and the kids are already in bed asleep.
The little things….. 
https://www.moodscope.com/account/show-results?month=30_days
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I am so angry recently. I hate it, I snap over everything.
It must be the meds making it worse.
I am just going to have to stop them.
I can’t cope with it anymore.
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I actually drove to my friends house on the outskirts of Leeds last night and met up with a group of friends for a meal.
Not a big deal you say? Well considering I nearly always get so worked up over these things that I make myself ill I consider it a pat on the back moment.
Last time I was even invited to a get together I panicked so much at the changing plans that were making my anxious self so wound up and ill that I even lost a friend for a while. I just couldn’t handle the situation – which I regret but sometimes it is all too much. However I think I have managed to smooth things out 
I think it helped that it was a last minute thing, I didn’t have long to stew over it and work myself up. I didn’t even have time to triple check googlemaps as to where I was going! I just had a few directions and a hazy memory.
Driving along I was getting panicky and just turned the radio up and told myself to stay calm. It was fine in the end, I made it! When I got home I had bad pins and needles again though…
Over and out.
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For the past week or so things have been getting worse. I can’t sleep properly, even on the new meds, I have to have a drink in order to get to sleep, which is something I shouldn’t really do as it probably worsens the situation.
I feel so anxious and restless.
I cannot face getting up in the morning, I lie there wishing for the world to go to sleep so that I can, but eventually I cannot ignore the cries of the baby nor the toddler poking at me.
I feel like a failure in everything I do.
I’m desperate to get out, but then something happens and stops me in my tracks.
I’m so up and down that I am exhausting myself.
Again, I am so tired and empty.
I’m getting that feeling of a desolate shell, looking out through the eyeholes but not quite filling my “body”. Like a tiny creature clinging to the wall, hiding in the cracks of a huge cave. Wondering what is through that little crack above? yet being scared to go near the light.
Oh yeah.. My appt has been cancelled cos of the snow, postponed till next week. Good job, cos I don’t feel brave today.
https://www.moodscope.com/account/show-results?month=30_days
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This is what the psych was saying!!
Note:
“Emotinally unstable disorder”
And
“DBT”
It must be DBT therapy at the Helios centre!
And even my anger at him is mentioned as a symptom.
My god I am a horrible person with horrible thoughts…
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#section_4
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Ok, so I’ve been thinking…. again.
I’m looking into bpd ( borderline personality disorder) its one of the many phrases I’ve picked out of the memory of what I think the psychiatrist was saying to me, and hey ho – it seems to fit.. However the title makes me sound like a psycho does it not?
I’m trying to piece together thing I think he said ( if ONLY he spoke more clearly!) As I have not had a letter but I know the surgery have and it was shambally quickly read and scanned through by the duty doc last week ( my usual doc was covering elsewhere.)
She said that he’d referred me to the Helios Centre as I needed a way to cope with stress. In referring me to them he has signed me off.
Maybe he’s not a total twat, maybe I just don’t understand what he was saying/implying.
I am going to request my files I think, so I can read it all properly.
He has mentioned BPD, Bipolar and also I’ve had diagnosed PND, anxiety, depression and PTSD.
I know I don’t cope well with stress- who does? But perhaps it is a trigger? Perhaps it is possible I have a mixture of all of the above?
I ‘fit’ the mould for all….
I have not got a doc appt this week as the duty doc didn’t know how to book appts and I didn’t have time to wait at reception.
I do however have my initial appt at Versa ( now called Aire Valley Counselling – I shall use AV for short) on Tuesday eve – if I can get there through the snow! ( Up to 3ft where it has drifted) so I shall once again gather up all my thoughts and papers and start again… Ho hum….back to the beginning… oh the sweet plump nectar of juicy joyness :/
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