She’s doing it again.

So for the past few months  I’ve  been  seeing my mother once or twice a week. And I’ve  welcomed  it as she plays  with  the  children  and it gets us out of the house and gives me a rest. I however  totally  zone out (detached protector? ) the whole time I’m  with her.
However  a month ago i found out she’d  given Helen 20 Grand to pay off hef debts. So i plucked  up  the courage  to  say i was struggling  too, i didn’t  adk for a thing. Just put the thought  oiut there. ( no where near as much as that in debt and i just wondered  if  for once she’d  help me?) Fast forward and i’ve  not  seen her for three weeks.  She’s  avoiding me. Stopped  phoning and texting. Even turned  up  with my birthday card when she knew  i would be out at work. And now she probably  won’t  see Rachel  for months as she’s  starting  school  next week. 
Contact  has gone to zero, luckily  the children  don’t  seem  to care.
Why do i bother letting  her in my life?
I don’t  think  we have a healthy  relationship. I think she may have dumped me again.

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Detached protector

A mode where one zones out to svoid a painful or stressful  situation. I do this alot! One time in particular  stands out though and that is my first wedding  day. I totally  detached  to pretend  it wasn’t  happening. So yeah that definitely  had its cons.

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Schema Therapy

I’ve  been  attending  the  Helios  centre  now since June, Two months of repetitive  schema talk. Being taught about modes and reactions. 
I’ve  been  feeling  terribly  anxious as I’ve  been  looking for a new job and my head has been  so full I’ve  ended up feeling suicidal.
I’m  feeling  a  little  better   this week  and  it’s  either  because  I’ve  just had a week off and seen my friends, or because I’ve  not  seen mother for a few weeks or because I’m  not  stressing  about job interviews.

Who knows.

But this therapy  thing, I  think  I  may be zoning in and out of it. I feel  like  I  understand  it  but i can’t  properly relate as my memories are blocked and jumbled  up because of my many masks.

Got a session  tomorrow  so let’s  see.

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April 2015

I’ve not written for ages, yet again.
I’m still waiting for therapy to start after an endless amount of interviews.
I’m getting on well with mother!!!
I’m finding that if I can get through  the day it is an achievement.

That is all

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Temporary high

So, it didn’t  last.
My sleeping  pattern  went back to its usual crappy self after 10 days. I am currently  off work again after crashing.
Saw the cpn today and he’s  changed my meds. I’ve  also got an appointment  with  the  helios centre tomorrow for a schema therapy and or dbt trial.

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Sleep. It’s not a fairytale.

Since starting my new meds I have been able to sleep! How amazing is that?!!!
I’ve made a few lifestyle changes too.
I’m working less hours.
I have a day to myself without children,
I’ve started swimming once a week.
I’m attempting daily yoga.
I’m trying to watch what I eat.

Onwards and upwards?

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More meds

So, I had another appointment with a cpn. He suggested that i try an antipsychotic. This should help with the paranoia, racing thoughts and insomnia.  Started them yesterday and today I couldn’t get up. Let’s hope that I get used to them quickly.

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